Holidays end, school starts, traffic gets busy, work schedules get busy. Can we still take the time to listen to what our children have to tell us? Now it’s all about communication: How to communicate better as a couple? How to communicate with children? Communication in business Effective communication Is communication enough to make everything work well in a relationship, be it a couple, a family or a professional one?
Most people think that communication is more important than listening. Do you think that’s true?
All the courses bombard us with different communication techniques and methods designed to improve our results. And the funny thing is, nobody talks about listening. What does listening mean and what role does it play in our lives? The first step I think is to listen to ourselves and our inner wisdom. For example: after eating a portion of pasta for lunch, my whole body tells me to stop and eat no more. Do I listen to him or not? I am angry with my husband and I know with all my being that I will regret it if I say what comes to my mind now, do I listen? The child tells me he doesn’t want to eat. How do I listen? What’s going on in my mind? On the surface it looks like I’m listening but I usually hit the following barriers that prevent me from hearing*:
“We’re here again until tomorrow if you don’t eat” (falls into the category of what I already know) “You’re tricking me” (falls into the category of ego; when I say ego I mean us as a person, how we see things, what we’ve experienced etc.) “You haven’t eaten enough” (falls into the category of prejudice) “I’ll make you something else to eat” (falls into the category of solutions) If while the child, partner, colleague, mother, girlfriend etc. is talking to us, we hold such thoughts in our mind, we don’t listen. Listening takes place when our mind is empty and we are in a state of curiosity: “Why doesn’t Vlad want to eat more?” Listening ends when I can say “Yes, I see your point!”. That doesn’t mean that I also agree or agree, just that I understand. I listened until it was clear to me how the other person saw things. How can we have an empty mind? We can’t. Thoughts come without our control. What we can do, however, is let them pass. As soon as we notice that a solution has come to us we let it go and listen further. As soon as the thought “aaah, I’ve had that once” comes to us, we let it go. And so on… You’re wondering why waste time like this? What do I care how the other person thinks, I just want to make my point. A friend asks me: “When you talk to Delia (my mother), do you feel she listens to you? Because it seems to me that she’s thinking of something else when I talk to her.” I say yes, she listens to me, that she calls me later and tells me what she’s been thinking about after our conversation. I also say, “But I listen to her first. There are times when it’s just her talking for fifteen minutes and then we’re done.” To which my friend says: “Yes, you’re right. I like to talk and I don’t really listen.”
That’s it! If we don’t listen, we don’t get listened to. And that’s why all the communication techniques we learn and try to apply don’t bring the promised results. Whether we’re talking to an adult or a child, a partner or a colleague, it’s all the same. Even when addressing an audience. If we don’t listen we are not listened to.
At my former job I call a meeting with my support colleague and the new manager. The subject of the meeting was a client’s wish to change a procedure. The colleague said it couldn’t be done. We get together and I present the issue again and ask her what we can do to honour the client’s request. She tells me that it is not possible. I ask why, and the equally firm answer… “Because it can’t.” I could feel myself starting to get angry, and I started to pay attention to what I was saying. Eventually I decide to ask, “I feel like you’re blocking everything I say and we’re not going anywhere with this discussion, what’s going on?” To which my colleague says, “Because you’re not listening. You’ve got it in your head to get me to do it your way and you don’t listen to what I say!” I thought about what she was saying for a moment, and admired her in my thoughts for having the courage to tell me what she thought, that I was the big boss. She was right. After realizing this, I started paying attention to what she was saying. And I did as she did eventually, because she was right. If I hadn’t listened, I probably would have gone with my choice in the wrong direction and would have had an employee frustrated that her opinions were being ignored and unwilling to implement the new procedure because she didn’t agree with it. How do you listen? Do you listen to anyone else with an empty mind and an open heart? I suggest you give it a try, it’s a great feeling, especially the gratitude of one who feels truly listened to! *The quote is inspired by Mr. Jack Pransky’s lectures and understanding of the three principles. If you are interested in the subject, let me know, I have books and materials from my collaboration with him.